I’M ACTUALLY SHY.
Not IN AN OBVIOUS WAY.
IF I SEE YOU WALKING ON THE STREET AND YOU LOOK PLEASANT ILL SAY HELLO.
HOWEVER, IF YOU SEEM BIGGER THAN ME AND NOT IN SIZE MORE SO IN LIFE THEN I BECOME SHY.
WHEN YOU SEEM BEYOND ME IN KNOWLEDGE I BECOME INTIMIDATED.
IF IM BEING HONEST BEING INTIMIDATED IS COMFORTABLE FOR ME.
I SETTLE IN IT AND TELL MYSELF THERE BEYOND ME SMARTER THAN ILL EVER BE.
I REALIZED THIS ONE DAY WHEN I WAS THINKING ABOUT HOW SHY I BECOME AROUND GUYS.
AS SHY AS I AM I AM SOMEONE WHO IS SOMEWHAT COMFORTABLE IN MY SKIN. IM QUIRKY AND IM OKAY WITH THAT.
WHEN A GUY COMES AROUND I BECOME SUPER AWARE OF ALL OF MY FLAWS.
THE FACT THAT I HAVE BIG LIPS (SOMETHING I DON’T PAY ATTENTION TO ON THE REGULAR) BECOMES A PROBLEM. MY STAINED TEETH ARE A PROBLEM, MY HAIR IS TOO BIG AND MY BODY IS TO SMALL.
HE’LL NEVER LIKE ME. HE CAN’T LIKE ME BECAUSE I’M ME.
IN NEW ENVIRONMENTS I ALWAYS ASSUME THAT PEOPLE ARE SMARTER THAN ME.
THEY HAVE TO BE BECAUSE IT WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO BE JUST AS INTELLIGENT AS THEY ARE.
WHY IS THAT? WHAT IS IT INSIDE OF ME THAT TELLS ME SOMETHING IS WRONG? WHY AM I SO COMFORTABLE WITH HATING MYSELF?
WHY DO I SPEND SO MUCH TIME PUTTING MYSELF DOWN?
I ALSO STRUGGLE TO BE HAPPY FOR PEOPLE WHEN SOMETHING GOOD HAPPENS TO THEM. I ALWAYS WONDER WHY IT DIDN’T HAPPEN TO ME.
LORD WHY AM I NOT IN MY CAREER YET? WHAT'S TAKING ME SO LONG? WHY DID IT TAKE SO LONG FOR ME TO GET MY LICENSE? WHY DO I ALWAYS OVERLOOK IMPORTANT DETAILS?
LORD WHY AM I ALWAYS THE FIRST ONE TO CRY? WHY AM I SO SENSITIVE? WHY IS IT SO EASY TO HURT ME?
LORD WHY DO YOU LOVE EVERYONE ELSE MORE THAN YOU LOVE ME?
NOW PAUSE.
DO YOU EVER FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT LIFE? DO YOU EVER FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT YOURSELF? DO YOU EVER FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT GOD.
I DO SOMETIMES.
ILL ADMIT IT.
FOR AWHILE I THOUGHT GOD DIDN’T WANT ME TO BE HAPPY BECAUSE FOR A SEASON LIFE WAS HARD AND IT DIDN’T SEEM TO GET BETTER.
THERE’S SOMETHING SO BEAUTIFUL IN THE STRUGGLES OF LIFE.
YOU SEE IN MY STRUGGLES (MY EVERYDAY STRUGGLES BECAUSE LIFE IS NOT A FAIRYTALE) I SEE GOD.
MAYBE THAT SOUNDS STEREOTYPICAL TO YOU BUT I DON’T CARE. YOU SEE LIKE I SAID BEFORE GOD IS REAL AND HE ALLOWS US TO EXPERIENCE VERY REAL HARDSHIPS SO THAT WE CAN COME TO THE END OF OURSELVES.
I REALIZED THAT I DON’T LIKE MYSELF AND I DON’T THINK IM VERY INTELLIGENT. I CAN ALSO BE REALLY SELFISH. THIS IS ME PUTTING MYSELF DOWN AND I DO THIS ALL THE TIME.
SO I ASK GOD TO SHOW ME HOW HE VIEWS ME. HOW HE VIEWS MY HARDSHIPS AND WHAT PURPOSE THEY PLAY IN MY LIFE. MOST IMPORTANTLY I WANT TO UNDERSTAND HIS LOVE FOR ME BECAUSE SOMETIMES I DON’T FEEL LOVED AT ALL.
GOD COMPLETES ME AND SUSTAINS ME. IT'S NOT ALWAYS A CONSTANT FOR ME. I AM NOT GOOD AT LIKING MYSELF OF APPRECIATING WHO I AM BUT I HAVE GOD WHO IS PROUD OF WHAT HE HAS CREATED WHEN HE SEES ME.
HE IS ALL TO AWARE OF WHAT I VIEW AS MY FLAWS, MY STAINED TEETH, MY BIG LIPS, MY SMALL FRAME, AND BIG HAIR.
HE LOVES ME JUST THE SAME. HE CALLS ME BEAUTIFUL ANYWAY.
YOU MAY INTIMIDATE ME SOMETIMES BUT GOD IS CHANGING THAT IN ME ONE DAY AT A TIME.
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