January- I’m struggling to breathe. I stand up to take a step forward but I'm instantly knocked down.
(I have this memory of being hit in the stomach with a football when I was in high school. It knocked the wind out of me, and I couldn’t breathe.)
That’s how I felt every time I tried to move forward. I would breathe in and attempt to breathe out. My breathing became rugged and the air I tried to release became trapped inside. I couldn’t breathe, I needed a paper bag. I needed something. I would try to step forward again and instantly would instantly feel the force of the football crashing into my lungs. My breathing became rugged and the air was trapped inside. Along with the air was me trapped inside of myself. This was during the day. At night things would calm down and I wasn’t panicking as much. I could draw in a breath here and there. I would turn up the noise sometimes and it helped. The noise was so loud that I could ignore the football in my lungs, the air trapped inside of chest, and the fact that I to was trapped inside of myself.
February- Things are slightly better so I decided to turn the noise down a little.
(In February I took a break from social media that was me turning down the noise.)
I’m not really having breathing problems anymore. I’m lonely now. Every day I wake up with this intense realization that I’m me. I take these long walks by myself. I check my phone to see if someone anyone has called. There’s no one. So, what now? If there is no one calling me who am I? If no one recognizes me or cares I exist do I even really exist to anyone. When these thoughts come up, I turn up the noise again. It’s so loud for a while and I’m good. It used to work when I turned up the noise but this time even with the noise turned all the way up, I can still only hear my thoughts. Beneath all of that though I feel something else. A sudden urge to turn everything off. I want to because something is pushing me to. I’ve never felt this urge before, but I do it. I turn everything off and I’m just sitting there. Just there in the silence, and I must admit the silence is nice. I still feel lonely but I’m okay. I'm okay with the silence.
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